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A few days ago I read this quote: "The enlightened man is the greatest stranger in the world; he does not seem to belong to anybody. No organization confines him, no community, no society, no nation." ~ Osho


It felt like a response to an inquiry that has been meandering around my mind for at least a few days. Why do we define ourselves by our actions? We say “I am a doctor” instead of “I practice medicine right now.” Why do we identify so completely with our feelings? We claim “I am angry” rather than “I feel anger in this moment” or “I have anger presently.” Why have we made an identity even out of the food we eat? We declare “I am vegan” instead of “I choose to not eat meat today.” And can ANYONE tell me exactly WHAT is the importance of BEING a “patriot?”
The quote above was followed by this “afterthought”:

“We are now challenged to be courageous enough to . . . break the chains of society's repressive conditioning and opinions. We embrace all the colors of the rainbow, emerging from the dark and formless roots of our unconscious past to grow wings . . .
Our very way of being is rebellious - not because we are fighting against anybody or anything, but because we have discovered our own true nature and are determined to live in accordance with it . . .
[even at the risk of losing our identification with those very communities which gave us solace and meaning and a place to BELONG.]”

We have too long been subject to our own misdirected “loyalties.” Too long have we been held hostage by generalized definitions of who we are. In our attempts to belong we have followed false prophets, parroted false doctrine, partaken of too much “kool-aid,” and confined ourselves to a path that suddenly feels much too narrow.

DO you have the courage to live your life as one big contradiction? If so, you are in good company. Gandhi said it best when he remarked (and I paraphrase!!) “I am not concerned with appearing consistent; I am only concerned with Truth.”

When self realization becomes selfish

I run a yoga teacher certification program -- an amazing program if I do say so myself -- which includes several books the attendees must read throughout the 6 month program. One of the first books we read together is called, After the Ecstasy, the Laundry. I highly recommend it. Written by Jack Kornfield, this is not technically a "yoga book." (In fact, most of the books I use for the teacher training program are not technically yoga books.) Jack Kornfield is a Buddhist, from the Theravada Buddhist tradition.To describe what the book is about I quote from a description on Amazon:

"Jack Kornfield, one of America's most beloved teachers of meditation, assures us that enlightenment does occur on the spiritual path but warns that it is not the end of the road. Genuine experiences of awakening, despair, fault, serious transgression, and simple childlike joy all appear as bridges on the way to the divine. . . . Few books in recent memory deal practically with the rather unspectacular but necessary nature of day-to-day practice following an experience of spiritual opening."

One of the main reasons I use this book is the chapter entitled "The Dirty Laundry." In it, Kornfield reminds us that with a feeling of enlightenment can come another feeling: that somehow you now "know" more and "are" more than others. Once you have this view of yourself you start to believe that rules don't apply to you; that somehow these laws, ethical guidelines, and common rules of courtesy are beneath you now. 

In the yoga teaching arena this can translate into, at the very least, some actions you may look back on (once you get over yourself) with a laugh, a shake of your head, and a big sigh of gratitude that you woke up from the delusion. At its worst though, this "self-realization" becomes self aggrandizement, and lasts longer than is "funny." Because you don't ever really wake up from the delusion. You end up lost, leading people down a path that isn't serving them; it is only serving you. 

I have experienced this from the student perspective, the teacher perspective, and from two other perspectives which I will write about in my book . . . much later! 

When I was about two or three years into teaching, I fell into the trap of taking credit for the feeling people got after taking my classes. By the way, this is a common occurrence in about the third year of your teaching, because you have found your voice, have established a following, and have started to receive those seductive "you've changed my life" stories" from your students. My ego had me believing I had everything to do with their transformation. "They" became "my" students and instead of human beings, "my" students became objectified. "They" needed help and my yoga teaching "helped" them. Other people in my life were not good enough for the new enlightened me. "They" were dragging me down. I also had an inner competition going with other teachers and HAD to be the most popular. Had to prove that I helped people, more people, etc. All this came from taking credit for the gift that is Yoga.

Luckily "my students" were much more intelligent than I was. They saw right through the new "me" and stopped attending classes. The more I used flowery language, spoke with a soft singsongy voice, or "imparted wisdom" that I hadn't even experienced (let alone processed in my life) the less students I had. Thanks to the people who rejected me, I woke up from this delusion quickly. I laughed about it and moved forward, deciding to never forget this feeling of being incongruent with what I loved most about Yoga. 

This is exactly what Jack Kornfield addresses in "The Dirty Laundry." The temptation to take credit for another person's journey. The seduction of believing that because you have experienced true enlightenment you are now above people who haven't felt what you have felt. And how challenging it is to break free of this delusion. 

This happens because feeling like you are an untouchable enlightened being definitely feels better than feeling like a vulnerable human being. I am going to say this again --This happens because feeling like you are untouchable is better than admitting you are vulnerable. It still doesn't make it "right."

Taking credit for the LIGHT that really does move through you (and everyone else by the way) knocks you right off the pedestal. Check the Yoga sutras of Patanjali. Even they warn us against this temptation. 

I will always acknowledge my teachers as those who re-introduced me to my own light. That tis one of the definitions of "guru.  However, those teachers include my 10th grade English teacher, my political theory professor at CAL, many friends who daily go out and experience life courageously, and even my children. Yoga is but one way I have been able to reconnect to Self. 

I also acknowledge and embrace the gift I get to give whenever I am privileged enough to remind people to breathe, find their bodies, and reconnect to Self. But I won't pretend that I am the all seeing, all knowing, all powerful Oz just because I remind people to inhale and exhale. Whatever happens in your practice, on your mat, in your body, is because YOU showed up for your Self. The credit goes to YOU. 

fear of spontaneous kindness?

A few days ago I posted a comment on Facebook which said: "I want to live in a world where I  can pull over, offer a ride to a lady walking down the street with heavy grocery bags, and know that she will not think I am out to get her, but will accept the ride. Instead, I rarely act on this spontaneous desire, and the decision to move on haunts me."  Well, this post got quite a lot of attention and response. It seems that many of us feel this pull to reach out and connect, but then we shrink back into our own "safe" place. 

I want to share some of the comments that were added after my post -- and ask for your thoughts on this topic? Why do we all fear being kind to each other? Why is it that when inspired to participate in the life of a fellow human being, we lock our brakes and skid in another direction?

Here are some of the thoughts of friends who responded:  

The balance of transforming the world and allowing others their own path at their own pace is a continous process. I endeavor to be vigilant in honoring both sensitivities. What I do know is that we can change the world and heal the planet and those that live here. We can do this moment by moment. We can do this together. And one day compassion will no longer be perceived as a threat. – J

If we do act on these impulses from the heart, we can change our culture and our world! Prove to people, that people are not so scary -- people are funny! – A

I think thats the same reason why I scare little children. They seem horrified when I stare deeply in to their eyes with a big dorky smile and say "i like you. you're cool." - B

All progress happens through action not inaction. Its the story we write about how someone will act or react that ends up doing the talking for us. At some point, we will do the thing we desire and then react only to their reaction not to our idea of it. - K

It's sad that the world has become a place where people that truly want to make a difference and reach out are afraid of negative response. My attitude is do it anyway. If they have a negative response, okay. But at least when I put myself out there for good, I am making an effort to be an agent of change & progress. - T

Sometimes, it (a spontaneous offer) shifts their perception completely and it makes their day. Sometimes they refuse. But my sense is that upon further reflection they realize it's coming from a pure place and the next time someone tries to help, they are more open to it. Do it anyway Dana. It's who you are. It's who I am. We can't deny who we are because of fear.  I say GO FOR IT! What's the worse that can happen? -- K 

There were many other comments, all were good, but I chose these to show that many of us WANT to reach out and don't, out of fear, even when we all believe that this connection is one very simple way to BE THE CHANGE. 

 I did stop one day, right after a snowstorm, to help an elderly woman clean a driveway. Turns out SHE was out with her snow-blower cleaning her NEIGHBOR'S driveway. As we worked together in clearing her neighbor's driveway, she told me that she was just raised to look out for others and if she saw something that needed doing, she wanted to do it. SHe didn't pity this man, she just wanted to connect in this way, show him that he was remembered, CARE for him, reach out. I drive past that driveway every day from work, and think of her every time I drive by. She made a lasting impression on my life, and I want to be courageous like her.

The next time I feel this spontaneous feeling to reach out, and the spontaneous desire to act on that feeling, I will have the courage to follow through with the actual spontaneous ACT of following through, in that moment. Will you join me?

I have these two friends, both of whom are (or have been) owners of yoga studios. I love talking to both of them so much, because they have such similar experiences. A lot of what I like about our conversations is that I feel they already "know" me and "get" me because they've lived through a parallel experience in their own "studio owning" life.

Now don't get me wrong; as jobs go, teaching yoga and owning Centered City Yoga is a HUGE blessing. I get to make my own hours, lead a phenomenal staff, and remind amazing people of their own beauty and potential. I want to state FOR THE RECORD that I am forever grateful that this is what I get to do in this lifetime.

However, sometimes owning a business based on love and understanding, community and unity, connection and artistry, has its down side too. Like when I say no to someone who wants to use their two year old discount passes that are no longer valid (and haven’t been for 18 months!) and they feel a right (because I am a yoga teacher so the answer should always be "yes") to call me names and threaten me with bad publicity. These are the moments I will call one of these two friends just so I can bitch about it all. Or after I’ve cleaned up the bathroom again because the toilet flooded.

I say things like "Really? Flushing tampons down the toilet? Really? Flooding our bathroom? Who does that?" And they answer, "I just dealt with that last week! I know! Gross, huh?" And somehow just voicing it and knowing someone has been through something similar neutralizes the situation.

However, in today's "every word has meaning" world, it has become "non-yogic" to express how you honestly feel in a given moment. The yoga police (and they do live inside of every yogi's head) are watching. How DARE you say out loud that you are having a bad day! How DARE you say you got stuck half way around the world and wish like hell you could be home with your loved ones and your community? How dare you call yourself a YOGI and in the next breath say "No I won't do that for you, because that isn't part of our agreement!"

Instead, here's what gets crammed into our brains: "Remember that everything happens for a reason, so your complaining is just attracting more of the negative experiences! Look on the bright side! See whatever is positive about the experience! Embrace this as an opportunity to grow!" BLEH.

Faster than sitting in pigeon will make me nauseous, that kind of "yogically correct" double speak makes me want to RETCH. If I am cleaning up a flooding toilet, count on me to NOT embrace this as an experience that happened for a reason.

As my friend (another woman in a similar "business") stated, "I want to come to that conclusion on my own. To have someone tell me that this 'happened for a reason and one day you will see the blessing in it' is to rob me of my own future ‘aha’ moment and to minimize (and even shame) my current feelings."

SO why is it so TABOO in the yoga/ new age/"the secret" world to say "I am NOT having fun right now. I really do desire to be ANYWHERE but here right now." Why has yoga-speak become another (albeit new and more subtle) way to suppress people? When did self-expression become a sin? Why are honest feelings something to hide and stuff down into the depths of our belly? How is it that we now feel pressure to erase our words before our truth escapes our lips?

And please don't quote the four agreements. I GET the four agreements; love them and live by them. But don't lord them over me if I say "If I have to clean up one more flooded toilet I just don't know if I can go on." I am actually, in that moment, being impeccable in my speech. Because in that moment, I am TRULY feeling that way. In another moment I will be over it and will have moved on to some other equally valid feeling. Albeit perhaps still not yogically correct.

SO someday I may tell you I don't have time to talk at this moment, or I don't want a hug right now, or I am sick of yoga altogether and want to go join the army. And I will mean it if I say it, and that doesn't make me a horrible person. It makes me human.

One thing you will MOST LIKELY not hear from my mouth is "Embrace this! One day you will wake up and realize what a wonderful blessing this is! Everything happens for a reason!" If you say something like "My dog just died and I don't know if I can do yoga today but I will try." I will cry with you, and probably facilitate a class where you GET to grieve, shed some tears, and feel powerless. Because that is an appropriate response, and it’s a valid feeling.

Last week, one of my afore mentioned “studio owning” friends called me, to say she's sad, and she's alone, but she wants to talk to someone who will just listen, and allow her to be sad and to feel alone. But how everyone around her wanted to hug her and tell her she looks like she needs a hug. And how she just didn’t want a hug. She followed up this sentiment with "Does that make me a horrible person?"

I think that was the moment I realized that it might be time to have the courage to appear "horrible" just so we can FEEL human. Let’s start offering each other honesty (which doesn’t mean we have to be mean or hurt someone with our words!) and honor each other in our courage to speak our truth, even if it doesn’t start with the words “I am filled with utter gratitude . . .” Let’s drop the “yoga speak” and forget the secret for a few days. Just live and experience our lives. Together.

I know it's been a while. I've wanted to write, and of course I have plenty to say. However, it's taken most of my energy to just keep on keepin' on. As my doctor said of me and my health, I am "circling the drain." Not good when I am supposed to be an example of health and wellness. I teach balance and yet on the surface you won't find a shred of balance in my life. I love simplicity and yet find this life overwhelmingly complex.

I wonder how to make sense of it all, and can now articulate least this much --

That the only way my life works is with a BOTH/AND outlook. The stress in my life forces me to find peace. I find balance thanks to the imbalance. Even though I am pulled in a million directions, I find my center in the midst of that chaos, maybe by the grace of that chaos.

This is clearly not the age of either/or. Or if it is for others, it is clearly not in the cards for me in this lifetime. Either/or implies exclusion. But I guess I signed up for a lifetime of experiencing the full range of emotions . . . because I actually embrace the color, the collage, the dance. I accept it all, and want to receive it all.

Which means that I don't feel a need to pretend I've got it all together. Or that I have all the answers. Or that there's some quality I possess that makes me more spiritually gifted than you.

In fact, I have tried to sit down to type up inspirational blogs but the words don't come, perhaps because I would rather admit I am NOT feeling that inspirational right now. Except who wants to read "uninspiring" blogs? Especially from a yoga teacher? Maybe my fear is that no one will read it, or that those who do will find me lacking somehow. I guess this is something I will accept and receive as well.

So I feel inspired to write. Why? For ME. And for the few others out there who might actually find some reassurance from reading about my struggles. Maybe you are going through something similar; maybe in reading about how I am dealing with it (imperfectly as a fellow human being) will give you an AHA moment too. Or a moment's peace. .

Here's my truth for today: I refuse to be pigeon-holed. Just because I teach yoga doesn't give me a license to spew bullsh** in the form of flowery language. Just because I remind people to breathe when they move into a Warrior One doesn't mean I am more enlightened than the practitioner. Just because I help someone into a chest stretch doesn't mean I am helping them "open their heart and shine gratitude". I won't pretend or believe that I am doing anything beyond facilitating a WAKE UP call for whoever is willing to stay present in their own body, with their own breath, finding their own intelligence.

SO when I do have the time and inclination, I will blog, and I will be truthful, and I will HOPE that my words may feel somehow BOTH inspirational AND disconcerting.